Eternity in the Cubicle

A short story by: Brad Warmhold

            Some men aspire to accomplish great things during their lives. To these men, putting time and effort into the betterment of society is something worth living for. Lars Alighieri was not one of those men. In fact, Lars probably lived the most boring and non-impactful life of any man that had ever walked the earth. Lars was an unimpressive man of ordinary stature, spoke in monotone, and had no redeeming qualities about him. He played no sports, he never once did anything charitable, and being an atheist, nothing about spirituality or salvation ever interested him. After graduating from Community College, Lars became a Systems Analyst for a small banking software company, where he worked for 9 years. Ironically, Lars’ mundane life ended in a most dramatic fashion. One evening after work, a few of Lars’ co-workers asked if he wanted to join them down at the local bar. Lars nonchalantly accepted the offer. After drinking the night away, Lars, heavily intoxicated, attempted to drive home-a choice that concluded in a massive car accident. Lars did not survive. As Lars’ spirit leaves this world and goes on to the next, it is here where our story begins.

            “Hey…hey…time to get moving……WAKE UP!” After being smacked across the face with extreme force, Lars’ spirit awoke. His head was throbbing and in great pain; this was without a doubt the worst hangover he had ever had the displeasure of experiencing. He slowly began to come to his senses, and when he was finally able to make out his surroundings, he found himself in a small square room with crimson walls and a receptionist desk on the opposite side of the room. He discovered that he was sitting in a small, and quite uncomfortable, chair, and on the wall behind him, above where he was sitting, hung a sign that said “Waiting Area”. A tall, pale woman with long jet-black hair stood over him menacingly. Looking up into her eyes, he was horrified to notice that they were completely black.

            “Well it’s about time. His Wickedness is growing irritable; you better not keep him waiting any longer.” Her voice, deep and chilling, left him paralyzed with fear. “His office is behind the door on the right. Get moving.” Lars, dazed and confused, finally plucked up the nerve to say something.

            “Wait…ugh…Where am I….What am I doing here?”

            “His Wickedness will tell you as soon as you get in his office!” Her answer was harsh and stern. Lars didn’t want to try her patience any longer, so he clumsily rose from his seat. Standing upright, he noticed that his clothes were torn, and that he was covered in gashes that stung whenever he moved. Confusion permeated his thoughts. He could not remember where or how he attained such painful wounds; quite frankly, he couldn’t remember anything that occurred the night before. Fighting off the pain, Lars trudged towards the door and entered into another small, square room. Unlike the previous room, this one had an elevator on the wall to the right of the entryway, and in the center there was a huge ebony desk, sitting upon a round floor mat with fiery designs. At the desk sat a large, devilishly handsome man in a tuxedo. The man was reading the obituary section of a newspaper until he noticed Lars come in.

            “Finally, you’re here! You’ve kept me waiting for quite some time. I’m a very busy individual, and I don’t have time for unfortunate souls like you to lag around. Let’s get down to business.” The man set aside the newspaper on his desk and pulled out a sheet of paper from a desk cabinet. “Let’s take a look at your resume quickly…” The man began to swiftly scan the paper. “Lars Lazarus Alighieri…aged 32 years………huh, it says here you died in a drunk driving accident.”

            “Died!?”Lars, shocked and alarmed, finally asked the question that he had been dreading to ask since he woke up, “Where…am I?”

            A grin shone across the man’s face, and then in a sadistically happy tone the man said, “Lars, welcome to Hell!”

            Complete hysteria overcame Lars. He stood frozen with fear and disbelief. How did he end up in Hell? The man continued to speak, “I hope you’ve guessed my name.”

            “You’re the …devil?”

            “You bet.”

            “Oh….You look a lot different than what I thought the devil was supposed to look like.”

            “Yeah, I know, everyone says that.”

            “But what am I, ugh…” A sudden surge of pain reverberated in Lars’ head; the hangover was intensifying. Satan chuckled.

            “How’s that hangover doing? I’ve got some news for you squirt, that hangover, along with those gashes, won’t go away in Hell.” Satan was getting a kick out of seeing Lars in pain, and he was getting even more pleasure out of exacerbating his misery. “Anyway, before we go off on any more tangents, let me finish reading your resume so I can determine where you’ll go…” Satan started to swiftly read Lars’ resume again, and when he finished, a look of disappointment appeared on his face. “Well…Lars, I’m going to be completely honest with you, and being the Father of Lies, this is tough for me. This is, without a doubt, the most unimpressive resume I’ve ever received. No instances of grisly mass murder or juicy political scandal; you only committed all the boring sins in life that everyone else does. Fortunately for you, however, Hell is the only place that doesn’t say “no” to newcomers, so…I think the best place for you will be… the second circle.”

            Just as Satan finished his sentence, the door to the elevator slid open, and Satan proceeded to forcibly take Lars by the arm and fling him into the elevator, laughing ruthlessly while doing so. After Lars slammed against the back of the elevator wall, Satan made his way into the elevator. A panel of 10 buttons labeled 0-9 was attached on the inside, and as soon as Satan pressed the 2 button, the door slid shut and the elevator began to descend at a supersonic rate.

            “Now, before we get to the second circle, I want to dismiss a popular misconception. All those stories that you may have heard about Limbo, the circles being based off a specific sin, or basically anything you may have read about in Dante’s Inferno, are all lies. Have you ever read Dante’s Inferno?”

            “Once for 10^th Grade English class I had to. I don’t concern myself with supernatural subjects…”

             “That’s right I forgot; you’re an atheist. Look pal, I like your style of thinking, but even I know there’s a God out there.” Satan’s obscenely happy manner suddenly subsided, “…Even I do…and how I abhor the very thought of it” Satan whispered to himself.

            “Wait, then how do the circles work?”

            Relieved by the change of subject, Satan’s disgusting smirk returned, “Oh you’ll find out soon enough.” The elevator suddenly stopped, and the door slid open again. As soon as Lars caught a glimpse of the second circle, he couldn’t believe what he saw. Everywhere he looked, there were cubicles-an infinite amount of cubicles as far as the eye could see.

            “CUBICLES!?” Lars could not comprehend his own disbelief. Wasn’t Hell supposed to be a place of fire and brimstone, or so he was told?

            “Yes Lars, cubicles. You see, Hell is like a giant company hell-bent on the condemnation of heathens. In fact, Hell is an acronym for House of Eternal Lamenting Lives. Each circle functions as a different type of business sector that helps Hell continue to thrive as a booming industry. This sector, the second circle, is my Human Resource Management sector.”

            “Human Resources? Why in blazes would Hell need Human Resources?”

            “It’s kind of a cruel ironic joke actually. Your responsibility will be to assist me in placing condemned souls in their appropriate circles and to provide their “benefits”. “Benefits” meaning what types of torture they’ll receive and at which appointed time. It’s really just a benefit for me since it helps me keep track of who I need to agonize and when.” Satan chuckled at his own callous witticism. Lars didn’t think it funny, but he got the irony of the joke. Although the idea of working in a cubicle for eternity (and for Human Resources no less) still sounded terrible, Lars figured that it couldn’t possibly be worse than burning alive forever. The moment that he took his first step out of the elevator, that idea went right out the window. The floors were paved with burning hot brimstone, causing the entire place to reek with the horrid smell. Even worse, Lars discovered that his shoes had gone missing, forcing him to walk across the burning floors with his bare feet. The receptionist had disposed of his shoes before he regained consciousness; Satan sees shoes as a luxury and of course there are no luxuries in Hell. The walls seemed to go on forever, and not one window was to be seen on them. There was however, one door close to the elevator that was labeled “Conflagration Room”. Satan crossed over towards the door.

            “This room leads to an endless sea of flames. I use it whenever I need to punish workers who are not cooperating, aren’t doing a sufficient job, or if I ever just feel like watching someone burn.”

            This place is getting worse and worse, Lars thought to himself. His spirit began to overflow with despair, to the point where Lars uttered something he had never said before, “God help me…”

            Satan slapped Lars across the back of his head with super-human force. His eyes were glowing with a fiery incandescence, and flames spurted forth from his mouth. “SUCH LANGUAGE IS NOT TOLLERATED HERE! THAT CHOICE OF WORDS WILL GET YOU THROWN IN THE CONFLAGRATION ROOM!!” Lars was stricken with an intense fear that he had never felt before. He didn’t speak another word until Satan brought him to his own cubicle.

            “Here’s where you’ll work for the rest of your condemnation.”

            The cubicle looked exactly like the cubicle that he worked in during his time as a Systems Analyst, except for an old, outdated, and perpetually slow computer, and a calendar that hung on the right side of the cubicle that had every day of the week labeled Monday, because in Hell every day is a Monday. Once Lars sat down in his chair, he felt a stream of electricity shoot through his entire body! Of course, it was an electric chair disguised as a normal office chair (Satan is sneaky like that). Seeing Lars’ pain and disheartenment put a smile back on Satan’s face, and then he proceeded to extend to Lars…a present?

            “What the heck is this?” Lars asked in a very discombobulated manner.

            “Think of it as your “welcoming present”, from me, your new boss, to you.” Satan flashed a deceiving smile. Lars knew something was up.

            “I don’t trust you.”

            “Well then I’ll open it for you!!”

            Once Satan opened the box, Lars began to cough violently, and then he noticed there was nothing in it!

            “WHAT WAS *COUGH* IN THAT? *COUGH COUGH*”

            “Tuberculosis!” Satan was having a field day with his new employee. “Well Lars, as much as I love tormenting your poor soul unmercifully, I must go. I’ve got people to lead astray and many other lives to ruin. If you have any questions about your job, just press the personal demon button on the left side of your keyboard. Although I must warn you, my henchmen enjoy haphazard affliction as much as I do, and they will probably drop in sporadically just to do so. Have a great damnation!” After the burlesque goodbye, Satan vanished in a puff of highly noxious smoke.

            Now alone, helpless, and hopeless, Lars couldn’t help but cry. He wasn’t a bad person; he never committed any crimes; why Hell? Lars continued to mourn for a little while longer. It was at the point when he felt that there was no hope left for him, that a strange message suddenly appeared on his computer. The message read, Alright, I’m here. Lars figured that it was another one of Satan’s pranks, but since he didn’t want to do work anyway, he decided to respond.

            Who is this?

            God. You asked for my help earlier, remember? Lars was skeptical.

            Yeah, sure you are. If you’re really God, why don’t you get me out of this infernal pit?

            You brought this upon yourself by choosing to ignore me your entire life. You might not have killed a man or robbed a bank in your lifetime, but you lived a lifestyle that focused on nobody except yourself! Very truly I tell you, everyone who sins is a slave to sin. Also, you refused the grace and love that I wanted to give you. Though it pains me to say this, this is where you must go. Unless…. Lars’ eyes opened wide! What did this guy, God, mean “unless”?

            What do you mean unless!? Can you really get me out of here!?

            Will you deny yourself, take up your cross, and follow me? Lars couldn’t believe this! Could this guy actually free him from an eternity of Human Resource Management!? At this point, Lars was willing to say yes to anything.

            PLEASE!! I’LL DO ANYTHING JUST GET ME OUT OF HERE!!

            Then press the Escape key on your keyboard. Lars did just as he was told, and a great blinding flash engulfed the room…

            Lars awoke in a cold sweat. He found himself sitting at his own dull cubicle at his old boring job.

            “It was only a dream…thank you Lord.”

            You’re welcome! Lars leaped out of his office chair in surprise. If it really was a dream, then how was this God fellow still sending him messages? After calming himself down he responded.

            Wait, if that was a dream then how are you still able to communicate with me?

            That’s because I am no dream. I simply used your dreams as a way of showing you what’s waiting for you at eternity’s end.

            Lars was dumbfounded, awestruck, and his mind was blown. Nothing this amazing had ever happened to him (but in retrospect that’s not saying much). His old desires of avoiding anything that had to do with God left him. A sense of thankfulness overcame him, but there was still one more thing he wanted to know.

            Well, thanks for showing me that dream then. I’m sorry that I have ignored you all my life, but you didn’t have to show me that dream. I never did anything for you or for anyone my entire life. Why did you save me?

            After sending the message, a Bible appeared on Lars’ desk.  He opened the Bible, and on the back of the front cover, a note read, because I love you Lars.

            

Bob Woodward & Carl Bernstein Hero Essay

Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein, regarded as two of the most influential journalists of all time, both deserve the title of being a hero. A hero, as defined by The New World Dictionary, is “any man admired for his courage, nobility, or exploits”, and both of these men fit this definition quite well especially when one looks back on their work in the Watergate Scandal. Woodward and Bernstein should be viewed as heroes since they helped uncover one of the biggest political scandals in American history, but this alone is not the true reason why these two men are heroes. These men are heroes because they pursued and stood by their story, they put their lives on the line to help uncover the scandal, and they had a huge impact on American culture.

First of all, Woodward and Bernstein should be credited as heroes since they pursued and stood by their story. Woodward and Bernstein were given the assignment to write a story on the Watergate Scandal on June 18, 1972; the day after the burglars were arrested. The story intrigued the two journalists, and even though many other newspapers began to ignore the issue, Woodward and Bernstein continued to investigate. The duo’s investigation relied heavily on the information given to them by Mark Felt (a.k.a. “Deep Throat”, a pseudonym used to protect his identity), a high ranking official of the F.B.I., who told them which sources were telling the truth, and which leads to pursue. Woodward and Bernstein continued to dig deep in their investigation, and would not allow simple answers to go. Their perseverance in their investigation would pay off eventually, and they ultimately discovered that Nixon's aides had run "a massive campaign of political spying and sabotage" on behalf of Nixon's reelection effort, and that Attorney General John Mitchell controlled a secret fund that paid for a campaign to gather information on the Democrats. Woodward and Bernstein had their article printed on October 10, 1972, and it was met with much criticism from the white house. The White House denounced their story, and called it misleading and biased. Despite the backfire from the White House, Woodward and Bernstein stood by their story, and continued to write damaging story after damaging story directed toward the White House. Months later, the scandal would blow wide open. It is because Woodward and Bernstein pursued and stuck by their story that the information on the Watergate Scandal got out to the public. Woodward and Bernstein’s pursuit of gaining information for their story and sticking by it reveals that both of these men would not stand to let any kind of injustice go unrevealed.

Secondly, these men were heroes because they put their lives on the line to help uncover the scandal. As stated in the previous paragraph, when Woodward and Bernstein had their article published in the Washington Post, it drew a lot of criticism from many powerful political figures. The government did not want the press to give the public the story, and since Woodward and Bernstein had learned too much about the scandal, it meant that the government would be coming after them. It was revealed to them by “Deep Throat” that their lives were in great danger, and that they were probably being bugged by the government. Despite the risk and the danger that the duo faced, they continued to write negative articles focused on the Watergate Scandal and the government (as stated in the paragraph above). These men not only had the courage to print out a story that exposed the abuse of power and corruption in the government, but they also had the courage to put their lives on the line in order that the truth may get out to the public.

Bernstein (middle left) and Woodward (middle) discussing
the Watergate Scandal with Katharine Graham (left),
Managing Editor Howard Simons (middle right), and Editor
Ben Bradlee of the Washington Post (right)-pictures
courtesy of www.washingtonpost.com

Finally, Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein were heroes because of the tremendous impact they had on American culture. The duo’s impact can be seen greatly in two major aspects of American culture: journalism, and politics. Woodward and Bernstein’s story on the Watergate Scandal attracted many young and aspiring journalists, helped put the Washington Post on the map, and also caused politicians to fear of even thinking to lie to the press. However, the part of Journalism that they had the greatest impact on was investigative journalism. Their story, which went far more in-depth than most stories in the newspapers, caused for a great increase in more thorough and investigative journalism. Woodward and Bernstein’s impact was also felt significantly in American politics. They popularized the Watergate Scandal, got people to understand what had happened, and showed them that there was corruption in the system. When the story got out to the public, it caused for a great decline in the president’s approval, at a time when the image of the president had a lot of power. By Nixon resigning, the presidency declined in power, the image of the president was hurt, and Congress and the Supreme Court assumed more power. Woodward and Bernstein’s impact was not only felt in their specific occupational field, it was felt in American politics, and also in the public’s understanding of what was happening in American politics.

Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein are heroes because they pursued and stood by their story, put their lives on the line to help uncover the scandal, and because they had a significant impact on American culture. At a time in American history, when our government was caught up in corruption and abuse of power, these two men courageously stood up for truth, and showed the country the injustice that was taking place in their government. Though they had to put their reputations, jobs, and lives in jeopardy, they published their story because the public needed to know about it; they stood up for what they knew was right.

Backlash Over the North Korean Failed Missile

June 25th, 1950 marked the day when the conflicts over in Korea between the Communist North and the Democratic South turned into war; specifically, the Korean War. Even though a final armistice agreement was signed on July 27 1953, ending the full-scale level of the war, tensions have remained high between the two politically opposite Korean governments. 

North Korea, in particular, has stirred up much controversy for numerous acts of aggression towards its neighboring country since the 1950’s. In addition, on April 13th, 2012, the communist country caused an international uproar when it attempted to launch a missile, claiming that they were attempting to launch a satellite into orbit.   

Both the United States and other countries included in the UN were appalled by North Korea’s actions. Most countries believed that the main objective behind North Korea’s launch was to test the countries long-range missile technology instead of an actual satellite launch. Fortunately for the United States, South Korea, and basically any country other than North Korea, the rocket burst into smithereens which descended into the Yellow Sea part-way through its flight. 

Needless to say, North Korea has been facing severe backlash regarding its recent launch failure. The United States recently made the decision to not send food aid to North Korea as a consequence for their actions. White House National Security Council spokesman Ben Rhodes spoke out against North Korea when he told reporters that, “Their efforts to launch a missile clearly demonstrates that they could not be trusted to keep their commitments.” 

The loss of possible nutritional aid from the United States has hurt the North Korean people, being that food/nutrition shortages have been a huge issue in North Korea for a while now. Yet despite the consequences, it is now believed that North Korea is preparing a third nuclear missile test as a way to flex its military might and to make up for the embarrassing failed missile launch. 

Although North Korea may be trying to make itself a strong and powerful nation, if they continue to undermine UN resolutions by launching and testing banned missiles, they will only continue to exacerbate the current state of its people.  

Oriental Fusion: DC Begins a New Chinese Language Class

相信嘛,所有的美國人;在這個世界上我們每天所說的這個語言,英文並不是最多人使用做卓越的語言. 中文,有超過850萬人使用的語言在這個世界上,他是目前最廣泛使用的語言,中文更是這個世界上最重要的商業語言之一.DC野在近幾年注意到中文的重要性,所以DC的學生,家長,老師們決定將要在這個學校了增加一們中文課,所以DC學生可以有機會再學校學到中文.

在過去的五年內,家長和老師們不時的在會議中提起增加中文課這個議題.很多的家長認為這是一個非常好的想法,因為中文是一個最被廣泛使用的語言,尤其是在商業經融場上.又加上在學校修德文課學生的不足,所以大部分的家長都支持學校廢除德文課增加一們中文課當碩學生的第二語言.在一個座談中DC的校長Andy Alford提及的更多細節原因為什麼以中文課程取代德文課程.
為什麼DC選擇增加中文課？這會有什麼幫助？

“（老師和家長們）從今年的九月和十月就有一直在討論這個議題. 自從選擇修德問課的學生不停的在減少,他們必須想辦法來停止解決這個問題.我們做了一份意見調查,針對一年級到芭年級的學生家長,最受喜愛的語言是西班牙文,居於第二的是中文.我們也當然參考了我們附近的學校的政策,我們徵詢了他們的意見,大部分的學校都在他們的刻上以增加中文課來取代德文課. 所以我們認為中將會成為一個更加有用對於學生未來更加有幫助的第二語言.”
為什麼廢除德文課？

“（我們）沒有特別反對這個決定.學生人數的減少,不足.我們需要一個更實用更有幫助的第二語言.”
這個心課程將會帶給學生哪些幫助？學校？

“(這節課將會)將會給學生更多的選擇,一個他們比較想要的選擇.另一個主要的好處是中文將會是一個更為恰當的語言如果拿它相比於德文,又加上我們有更多人說中文比起德文,我們認為中文將會幫助我們宣揚我們基督徒的好到世界的角落.”

這個新的課程的增加並沒有得到大部分DC學生的熱烈反應.很多學生了解中文將會對他們的未來有很大的幫助.但是他們並沒有很強烈的興趣來修這門課.我們訪問了一個DC的九年及學生,Yangzi Jiang他說”這聽起來非常的有趣ㄝ但這不是一個我會想修的一門課.我步想要浪費我的時間在意門我已經精通的課程上.但我認為這個將會是一個非常的好的選擇給其他非中文為第一語言的學生,因為中文是一個很有幫助的工具.”

有些學生不認同Yangzi的想法.例如, 十年級的Drew Darby,一個非常專長於德文的學生表達了他對這個決定的想法”如果要流暢的跟人用另一個語言溝通對父母而言非常重要的話,那個這門課將不會是一個好的選擇.中文需要很長時間的經讀努力更需要非常有技巧的老師,這些都是學校無法對這門課保證的.”

Drew 點出了一些非常重要的重點.中文被列為第五等級的語言,換句話說如果要一個完全不會中文的人能夠用中文跟另一個人有簡單的對話這會需要1300小時的研讀.中文不只要會溝通,寫出中文更是難上加難.其他學生更說他們了解中文是一個好的選擇給那些想學第二語言的人如果他們想進去商業環境,但是大部分的中國人或這些商人他們都已經精通於英文.

新的中文課將開始實行於明年的六年級跟七年級生.幸運的那些正在學德文的學生,並且想繼續學習的學生可以繼續的完成他們的德文課程.雖然我們也還不知道這個新的中文課程是否會成功,但是學校的老師和行政人員卻有信心這門課將會是一門很有幫助的課程.Alford先生接著解釋他的想法在建立這個中文課程”Jury堅信這門課將會成功,我也還在懷疑他的可行性,但我們有一個很好的新的計畫.我們大概不會百分之百的確定在未來的幾年內會有什麼影響.”

(Translation)

Believe it or not, English speaking Americans, but the language you use in your everyday life is not the most prominent dialect in the world. Mandarin, with over 850 million speakers, currently holds the title as the most widely spoken language, and is also one of the most important business languages in the world.

The DC community in recent years has recognized this, and with a great inclusion of new Chinese students, parents and teachers alike have decided to take action in providing a way for students at DC to learn Mandarin.

For the past five years, the idea of adding a Mandarin language class had been discussed between teachers and parents, and many parents were in favor of the addition of a Mandarin class due to its wide usage in the business field.

Also, because of the decreasing numbers of German students, many parents supported the idea of getting rid of German as a second language in exchange for Mandarin.

In an interview with DC principal Andy Alford, Mr. Alford went explained, in detail, the reasons behind the new Mandarin class and the booting of the German classes.

Why is DC adopting a Mandarin class? How did this come about?

“[Teachers and parents] had been talking since September and October. Since the numbers of German students had been dwindling, we needed to address the issue. We surveyed parents of 1^st-8^th grade students, and the most popular language was Spanish, followed by Chinese. We also looked at dozens of schools [around us] were doing, we talked to them, and others were dropping German and adding Chinese. We felt that Mandarin/Chinese would be a viable 2^nd language.”

Why are we getting rid of German classes?

“[We have] nothing against the program. Numbers were dwindling, and just weren’t there. We needed a more viable second language.”

What advantages will this new class bring to the students? To the school itself?

“[This class will] offer a choice that more students [may want to take]. Another advantage is that Chinese is a more relevant language than German, and since more people speak Chinese, it will help in our Christian impact on the world.”

The new idea of incorporating Mandarin into the curriculum has been met with lukewarm reception by DC students. Many students believe that the program would be able to teach a useful future skill, however, the same students, both Asian and American, show little interest in taking a class on Mandarin.

When asked if he would consider taking a Mandarin class, Freshman Yangzi Jiang stated, “It’s interesting, but [it’s] not something I [would want to take]. I don’t want to waste my time in [a class where I already know the language]. I do think this will be a good edition to the curriculum because Chinese is a very useful language.”

Other students would disagree with Yangzi. For example, sophomore Drew Darby, an exceptional German student, expressed his discontent with the new class. “If being fluent or competent in a language is important to parents, then this choice will not benefit that goal at all. Mandarin requires many hours of work with quality teachers, neither of which are guaranteed.”

Drew reveals some key points. Mandarin has been classified as a level 5 language, meaning that 1300 hours of instruction are required in order for someone to carry a basic conversation. Not only is gaining knowledge of how to speak the language a challenge, but learning how to write in Mandarin is even more difficult.

Mandarin is a good language for students to know if they want to go into business, but on the other hand, many Chinese people, in business and in general, already speak English.

The new Mandarin classes will begin in next years’ 6^th and 7^th grade classes. Fortunately for those who want to continue to take German, anyone who is presently in 7^th grade or above will be able to finish their courses in the German language.

Although it is still unsure whether this will be a successful new class, the teachers and school faculty have a good idea of what they are going to do in order to help this class prosper. Mr. Alford continued to explain his thoughts on the development of the Mandarin class by saying, “Jury is still out on how successful this will be. I’m still a bit skeptical, but we have a good, brand new plan. We probably won’t be 100% sure how this will turn out for a few years.”

El Camino Album Review

From their debut album The Big Come Up to their Grammy-award winning breakthrough album Brothers, the Black Keys, a blues-alternative duo consisting of Ohio natives Patrick Carney (drums) and Dan Auerbach (guitar, vocals), have come a long way. The band’s latest studio album, El Camino, co-produced by Danger Mouse, looks to continue the band’s rise from rock star hopefuls to garage-rock revivalists. Following up a highly acclaimed album is always a challenge, even to the most skillful musicians; however, El Camino shines just as brightly as its predecessor by implementing more upbeat riffs and drawing in influences from numerous other genres of music such as soul, rockabilly, surf rock, and R&B to complement their unique sound.   

Sound:

Putting less emphasis on their usual blues sound than in their previous records, El Camino features a track list containing influences of early American music (namely popular music from 1950-1970). Every individual song brings its own dynamic and sound to the album, while still keeping the Black Key’s bluesy vibe. From the choppy, buoyant riffs and burnt-rubber guitar solos of “Nova Baby”, to the cryptic riffs and hard rock infused solos of “Little Black Submarines”; no matter what genre of music you enjoy, there is bound to be at least one song on this album that will stick out to you. Along with a change of sound, El Camino presents a shift in tempo compared to its predecessor,Brothers. Right from the opening track of “Lonely Boy”, the Black Keys establish a revamped style of music with songs driven by foot-stomping riffs, and an up-tempo back-beat section.          

Album Highlights:

“Lonely Boy”- With an irresistible opening riff, followed by an ingenious keyboard hook and a ridiculously catchy chorus, this is probably the closest that the Black Keys have ever come to creating a pop-hit. The song is also complimented well by its music video that features actor Derrick T. Tuggle (now a viral phenomenon) dancing and lip-syncing to the song by himself. In a Rolling Stone readers’ poll, the song was voted as the third best song of 2011.      

“Gold on the Ceiling”- Propelled by an infectious organ hook, “Gold on the Ceiling” is the closest song on the album to the Black Keys’ blues roots. The song is at its best during the symbol heavy chorus, provoking the listener to tap their and sing (or whistle) along while listening.

“Little Black Submarines”- The Black Keys have finally constructed a song that can be considered epic. The track, reminiscent of Led Zeppelin’s “Stairway to Heaven”, opens up with a soft acoustic riff along with Auerbach’s hushed vocals, but then crescendos at the bridge into a hard rock masterpiece with blistering solos and heavy riffs. The track was featured on Rolling Stone’s list of the 50 greatest songs of 2011, peaking at number 18.

“Sister”- Enriched with a funky backbeat section and a stripped down guitar riff, this is one of those songs that makes you want to speed down the highway with the windows down and the volume turned way up. In a nut-shell, the perfect driver’s song.

“Mind Eraser”- The final track ends El Camino on a high note. This laid-back track, with its distorted guitar riffs and silent yet bouncy piano hook in the background, shows off a mysterious and atmospheric side to the Black Keys’ musical composition.

Closing Comments: There are probably many ways to say it, but to put it simply: this is a fantastic album from start to finish. El Camino highlights an amazingly talented band at their creative peak, and hopefully, the Black Keys will not descend from that peak anytime soon.

Free Ponies, Mandatory Tooth-Brushing: Vote Vermin Supreme!

The requirements needed for a candidate to run for president are few and simple: the candidate must have been born in the United States; the candidate must have United States citizenship; and the candidate must be 35 years of age. Literally anyone who meets these requirements could run for president or any political position if they wanted too; for example, American performance artist, anarchist, and activist Vermin Supreme. 

Vermin Love Supreme (and yes, that is in fact his legal name), an art school dropout who for a time worked as a booking agent for underground bands, entered into politics in 1987 when he began to run for public office. Throughout his political career, Mr. Supreme ran for mayor of Baltimore, Detroit, and Mercury, Nevada as an independent. Additionally, he campaigned as one of the lesser-known candidates in the 2004, 2008, and 2012 presidential elections (as a Republican in ’08 and as a Democrat in ’12). 

Supreme has not tasted any success during his presidential campaigns (receiving only 149 votes in 2004, 43 votes in the 2008 Republican primary, and 833 in 2012), and yet, his eccentric antics and abnormal campaign platform have garnered him much attention. Moreover, he has become a viral phenomenon. 

In recent years, there have been many political personnel who have made a name for themselves for their spastic behavior (Jimmy McMillan of “The Rent is Too Damn High Party” comes to mind), but Vermin Supreme takes the cake for being the biggest odd-ball of any politician to ever enter politics. In public and in political debates, Supreme wears a long black boot for a hat, an abundance of colorful ties around his neck, and a beard resembling Dumbledore of the Harry Potter film series. Ever since 2000, Supreme has labeled himself the “Emperor of the New Millennium”. He continues to do so, and it has become a focal point of his political campaigns. 

Supreme’s actions gained notable attention in 2012 during the U.S. presidential elections. Some of Supreme’s landmark achievements during the campaign involved him participating in a satirical debate against a representative of the campaign of deceased British occultist Aleister Crowley, glitter-bombing fellow Democratic candidate Randall Terry at a Lesser-Known Democratic Candidates Presidential Forum (claiming Jesus told him to “turn Terry gay”), and receiving 833 overall votes.   

Supreme’s campaign platform is odd yet diverse. He claims that if he is elected president, he will pass a law requiring all people to brush their teeth. “Gingivitis has been eroding the gum line of this great nation long enough,” explains Supreme. He also claims that our country has been suffering a great “moral and oral decay, in spirits and incisors.” Supreme hopes that by establishing a new mandatory tooth-brushing law, the country will finally be able to “Bite the bullet, and together make America a sea of shining smiles, from sea to shiny sea.” 

One of the more relevant issues that Mr. Supreme plans to address is the nation’s increasing dependence on foreign oil. His solution: to harness the power of zombies to create energy by using them in conjunction with turbines. Supreme is also a staunch supporter of the Federal Pony Identification Program; a program that intends to provide every American with a free pony. Not only will the ponies decrease the dependence of foreign oil, but they will also be utilized as a new means of identification. If enforced, all Americans will be required to have their ponies with them at all times. 

In regard to his ludicrous campaign platform and antics, it is quite likely that Vermin Supreme will never become president. However, the oval office is not Mr. Supreme’s intended destination. So why does he run for president? According to Vermin Supreme, he does it so that he can mock the political system. For example, at the Lesser Known Candidates Presidential Forum, Supreme described himself by saying, “I’m a friendly fascist, I’m a tyrant that you should trust, and you should let me run your life because I know what’s best for you.” 

While many of his satirical campaigns are directed at mocking politicians, Supreme gives the public voters a bad name as well. 833 votes will never be enough for Supreme to become president, however, it is unnerving to see that votes directed to a complete joke of a politician are increasing. Although the chances of Supreme becoming president are slim at best, voters seem to be more fickle compared with previous presidential elections, due in large part, to the influence of the media. Voters seem to be easily swayed by candidates based on trivial matters rather than the important issues. The voting public neglects to understand that politics, though imperfect, are an essential part of life in the United States and should be taken seriously. 

At the end of his opening argument, Vermin Supreme did have one helpful piece of advice for the American public: “Vote early, and vote often, because a vote for Vermin Supreme is a vote completely thrown away.”

Old School, New Clothes: A Conversation with Author Ron Hoch

The impact of Dr. Smith and Mr. Hoch’s energetic and applicable teaching style can be seen in the students of DC and in their pursuit of becoming stronger Christians. Even though Dr. Smith has left DC, both teachers continue to impact the lives of students at DC as well as people outside of the DC community. 

In order to help encourage and strengthen people’s relationship with God through Christian education, the duo has just recently released their new book entitledOld School, New Clothes.

While they were both Bible teachers at DC, Dr. Smith and Mr. Hoch came up with the idea to write a book after many in-depth conversations. “It was probably January of 2010. It was a series of conversations that we came up with the idea and felt lead to do it,” elaborated Mr. Hoch. 

“My ultimate goal is that [Old School, New Clothes] would encourage those involved in Christian education to think and act in a way that is more faithful to biblical teaching; to draw us into a closer relationship with the living God”, Mr. Hoch commented.

The main premise of Old School, New Clothes is that there are many common ideas and practices in modern Christian education that actually oppose a biblical Christian worldview. “In order to be more faithful servants of the living God and Disciples of Christ, there are certain things we need to correct about education" explained Mr. Hoch when asked about what the book was trying to convey to its readers. The book came out in the fall this past year, and its release was met with much positive feedback.

Here's a taste of what people are saying about the book:

"Old School, New Clothes is a compelling response to the triumph of 'neo-Kantian' thinking in the realm of Christian education. Hoch and Smith remind us that because we live in a universe that has already been integrated by God, the integration of faith and learning is not a project to be pursued, but a reality to be discerned. Highly recommended, particularly for its emphasis upon the doctrine of creation and its relevance to the life of the believing mind." 

-Paul Kjoss Helseth, author of Right Reason and the Princeton Mind: An Unorthodox Proposal

"No matter which choice you make about Christian or homeschooling, it is vital that parents and teachers pay attention to the philosophy on which that school is founded. This book made me think deeply about my own education, how we choose to educate our children, and how our decisions will affect the biblical foundation of the church for generations to come. This book is a great resource for fostering thoughtful discussions on biblical education among homeschooling families as well as in parent/teacher associations."

-Cheryl Brubaker

"As an educator and administrator who spends hours contemplating the great questions of education, I read with voracity the ideas presented within the pages of Old School, New Clothes. Ron Hoch and David Smith, like surgeons excising cancer, have cut through to the most fundamental truths and fallacies of education. In doing so, they challenge the 'Christian educator' to closely examine every presupposition that is held in Christian schools today."

-Dona Hedgecock

The book can currently be ordered on amazon.com. For more information on Old School, New Clothes, visithttp://www.oldschoolnewclothes.com/2011/08/old-school-new-clothes-summary-is-much.html

"A Christmas Carol" Receives Critical Acclaim From Cappies

"Phenomenal", "intense", "entertaining", "exciting", and "vivid" were only a few words used by Cappies to describe DC’s latest musical production, A Christmas Carol. 

The cast and crew wowed their audiences during all four performances and “gave everyone a warm and fuzzy feeling at the end, but still managed to scare the “Dickens” out of us all” (Tre Fountain of Interboro High School).

As most of us already know, A Christmas Carol tells the story of Ebenezer Scrooge, who undergoes the transformation from an old miser who despises Christmas, to a generous old man after he is visited by the ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Future. 

The role of Scrooge was portrayed by senior Jordan Anstatt, who was praised not only for his vocal prowess, but for his believable acting as well. Beth Burton of Archmere Academy wrote in her review, “Jordan Anstatt’s portrayal of Ebenezer Scrooge was anything but bah humbug! His hobble and sarcastic mumbling provided his character with appropriate cynicism, and while singing, he strongly articulated each word, and resonated throughout the whole auditorium.”

The ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Future (respectively, senior Alex Morra, junior Becca Hughes, and freshman Tasha Berol) were highly praised among the cappies as well, with Amy Giacomucci of Interboro High School stating, “The Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Future were the most mellifluous trio of spirits one could find anywhere. Every note any of the three of them let out was nothing less than enchanting, and their vocals alone elevated the show to new heights.”

Aside from the lead roles, the rest of the cast also received much deserved recognition for their well choreographed performances and their vocal abilities. Jency Boyce of Academy of the New Church commented on the overall cast by saying, “The energy and powerful, enchanting voices of both lead and minor characters carried the show through. 

The different ensembles blended well in both their voices and choreography”. A crowd and cappie favorite among the dance numbers of A Christmas Carol was “Link By Link”, which mesmerized (and even scared) those watching with the unified, eerie choreography, and the haunting performance of junior Robin Kong as Jacob Marley. 

The number “Link By Link” stood out as a true test of ensemble unity and energy, and the cast of A Christmas Carol did not disappoint…Robin Kong’s performance as Jacob Marley in “Link By Link” deserves recognition for its electricity and volume from beginning to end” (Julia Fay of Episcopal Academy). 

Other cast members who were recognized for their individual parts in the play were sophomore Alex Payne (Bob Cratchit), freshman Micah Skinner (Young Jacob Marley), sophomore Robert DiBartolomeo (Young Ebenezer Scrooge), sophomore Rachel Anstatt (Emily), senior Maggie Gruehn (Mrs. Mops), freshman Nate Taylor (Mr. Fezziwig), junior Mycah Halstead (Mrs. Fezziwig), senior Shannon McCarren (Fan), and 6^th grader Cole Serfass (Tiny Tim).

The actors were not the only ones to receive recognition from the Cappies, the tech crew, stage crew, red-team, and the set construction were praised for all their hard work too.

All of these people were highly praised by James Costalas of Episcopal Academy who said, “The many technical aspects of the show truly enhanced it. In fact, the tech took the production to the next level. The sets were detailed and very witty, especially the houses. 

The lighting designed by Rachel Bernard and Barrett Simmons were perfectly executed and went very well to achieve different things varying on the scene and circumstance. Also, the make-up was well done, especially on Scrooge. 

The make-up transformed a high school student into an angry, old man.” The set construction received further regard by many other cappies, with Matt Stirparo, Sarah Haines, and Anna Chovanes being credited by cappies Michele Herzog, Toni Radcliffe, and Mike Eichert of Episcopal Academy.

Overall, every aspect of A Christmas Carol was awarded with the recognition that each deserved for the fantastic production. 

Probably the highest compliment to the play (and in fact to DC itself) came from Phil Dupont of Interboro High School who congratulated DC by saying, “Overall, a fabulous performance by all involved. You all certainly showed the public why Delaware County Christian is here to stay in the theatre community for years to come.”

Cappie Award Nominees:

• Marketing & Publicity - Ian Botes, Daniel Gorbey
• Sets - Ian Botes, Anna Chovanes, Sarah Haines, Matthew Stirparo
• Make-Up - Amy Eichling, Kelsey Greist, Haley Newman
• Featured Actress, Musical - Rachel Anstatt
• Male Vocalist - Jordan Anstatt
• Lead Actress, Musical - Becca Hughes

Cappie Award Winners:

• Female Vocalist - Alex Morra
• Spirit Award - Britney See

The Road to the Fall Classic

 

The World Series; America’s pastime at its finest moment. It’s where heroes are born, and where legends are solidified in baseball history. This year is just another chapter in the ongoing story of Major League Baseball. This postseason has seen many upsets, and has experienced many exciting, nail-biting, and jaw-dropping moments.

All of the challenges that the players have faced throughout the season will finally culminate in this series. The Texas Rangers will face off against the St. Louis Cardinals, in what is sure to be a series that will be historical.

Going into the playoffs, the Philadelphia Phillies were the heavy favorite to win the World Series. The Phillies have won 102 games in the regular season, which became a new franchise record. Many thought that the St. Louis Cardinals would not even win one game against the Phillies in the Division series; however, the Phillies took a turn for the worse when their offense was unable to do anything efficient. In five games, the Phillies batted .226, had only 11 extra base hits (three being home-runs), and had only 21 hits, compared to the Cardinals 44 hits. On top of that, the Phillies clean-up hitter Ryan Howard (who batted 2-19 with 6 strike-outs) tore his Achilles tendon after hitting a sharp-grounder to first base in his last at bat in game five. He will most likely be out for five to six months.

The Cardinals continued to ride their success in the first round all the way through the NL championship series. They defeated their rivals, the Milwaukee Brewers, in 6 games. As a team, the Cardinals had a lot of success at the plate. They hit an average of .310, had 67 hits, and scored 43 runs in the first two rounds of the playoffs. Two of the main contributors to the Cardinals success were NLCS MVP David Freese, and all-star first-baseman Albert Pujols. Despite their success at the plate, the Cardinals pitching proved to be less impressive. The Cardinals’ pitching staff gave up 88 hits, gave up 47 runs, and had a total ERA of 4.18.

In the American League, the Texas Rangers dominated their competition through their overpowering offense led by Nelson Cruz, who had 9 hits (6 of them being home-runs), 8 runs, and 13 RBI’s in the first two rounds of the AL playoffs. The Rangers as a team produced 55 runs, 90 hits, 20 doubles, 13 home-runs, 54 RBI’s, in both the Division series and the AL championship series; thus defeating the Tampa Bay Rays and the Detroit Tigers with relative ease.

The Rangers’ pitching staff also did fairly well against their opponents. The Rays and Tigers combined hit for an average of .241 against the Rangers, and struck out 85 times. Although these stats are impressive, the Rangers pitching staff allowed 42 earned runs, amounting to a mediocre ERA (earned run average) of 4.11 (which all around was still better than the cardinals).

Both teams going into the World Series have been very dominant offensively, however, the team that will come out on top will be the one whose pitching staff is able to prevent the most runs. When asked about whom he thought would win the World Series, DC baseball coach and teacher Mr. Jeff Wisnewski predicted that the Texas Rangers would win it all, saying, “The Cardinals pitching is good, but it probably won’t be good enough to hold down the Rangers. With their offense, the Rangers should win the World Series.”

Fortunately for the Cardinals, they will have home field advantage first in the World Series. However, if the Cardinals hope to win it all, they will have to be able to defeat the Rangers on the road which will be difficult, seeing as the Rangers are 4-1 at home this postseason.

This year’s Fall Classic looks like it is going to be one of the closest ones in a long time. The Rangers have won two straight AL championships, but they still have yet to win a World Series. The Cardinals, on the other hand, have already won 10 World Series, which is more than any National League team, but that will not stop them from giving it everything they’ve got in order to get their 11th World Series title. Game One starts on October 19th, at Busch Stadium.

The Music of 2011: A Retrospective

From mainstream pop to underground rock, from hip-hop to electronic music, 2011 was a huge year for all of these genres of music, and others as well.

It was a year that saw many new breakthrough artists top the iTunes top albums/singles charts, a revival of some old favorite bands, and even the deaths of some of music’s biggest stars.

Breakthrough Artists:
Probably the most successful and most well-known artists to come out in 2011 was Adele, with her latest album 21.

Adele’s bluesy sound along with hit singles like "Rolling in the Deep" and "Someone Like You", made 21 an international hit. The album is currently this year’s best-selling album, and is still on iTunes top albums list.

Other breakthrough artists include Foster the People, Mumford and Sons, The Band Perry, and Wiz Khalifa whose hit single "Black and Yellow", has become the Pittsburgh Steelers theme song at home games. There was also Rebecca Black’s single "Friday" that became popular, but only because it was so hilariously bad (as well as its music video).

Veteran Artists: Many veteran bands also found success during 2011. Radiohead, probably the world’s most critically acclaimed band, released their new album The King of Limbs. Although the album was considered darker than previous Radiohead albums, it still received great reviews, and sold well.

Foo Fighters also came out big this year with their album Wasting Light, which became their most critically acclaimed album yet.

In the hip-hop world, Beastie Boys proved that they’re still hip-hop royalty. Their latest album Hot Sauce Committee Part 2, is the best reviewed hip-hop album of the year.

Successful veterans that came out big this year were Red Hot Chili Peppers, Rise Against, My Morning Jacket, and The Strokes who spawned a hit single with "Under Cover of Darkness".
   
Other Notable Artists:
Pop titan Lady Gaga came out strong this year with her latest album Born this Way, which spawned four singles such as the title track, and "Edge of Glory" (with a cameo appearance by the late Clarence Clemons).

Jennifer Lopez saw a great surge in popularity this year after becoming one of the new judges for American Idol. She also released her new album, Love?, which came out to generally mixed reviews, but still sold well. 

The following artists also dominated the charts this year: Bruno Mars, Katy Perry, and Nicki Minaj who rose to great popularity with her hit song "Super Bass".

Notable Losses:

Clarence Clemons: January 11, 1942 – June 18, 2011


The year 2011 also marks the passing of several musicians whose influence on the music industry has been profound.

On June 18, the legendary Clarence Clemons, saxophonist for Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band, died after complications related to a stroke. Clarence was well known for his tremendous sound and his sax solos in such songs as "Jungleland", and "Born to Run". 

A month after Clarence’s passing, singer Amy Winehouse died at the age of 27, becoming the 50th member of "The 27 Club", an infamous club of musicians that all died at the age of 27 such as Jim Morrison, Jimi Hendrix, and Kurt Cobain.

Looking Ahead:
Although most of the year’s great music has already been released, 2011 still holds three months of possibility. Coldplay is currently working on their first concept album Mylo Xyloto which will be coming out soon. Also for fans of 90’s rock, Pearl Jam 20, a documentary about the band, will also be coming out later this year.

As long as another song like "Friday" doesn’t come out, 2011 will end on a high note.