The Essence of Christian Character

            When discussing the essence of “Christian character”, there are two questions that must be addressed: “what is character?” and “what aspects of a person’s character make it ‘Christian’?” To answer the first question, character is, by definition, the mental and moral qualities distinctive to an individual. In other words, character is who a person truly is.

            When we say that we are Christians, we are declaring to the world that we are people who have accepted Christ as our Savior and have been born again unto Him. It is very important to emphasize the phrase ‘born again’ because when we are born, we share traits with those of whom we’ve been born to: our parents. As Christians, we’ve been born out of God, so as His children, we should bear his characteristics.

            Now we must answer the question, “So what are the characteristics of God?” On that note, I would like to reference Galatians 5:22-26, for it clearly gives a broad understanding of what God’s characteristics are, and what a true Christian character looks like. It states, “For the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking, and envying each other.”

            The fruits that are mentioned in the passage should not be taken as a legalistic list that Christians must follow in order to get into Heaven; they are all characteristics of Christ that He displayed during His life on Earth. He showed love to everyone, regardless of if they were a friend or an enemy. He became a servant to His own creation with joy in His heart. He remained peaceful while under great pain and misery in the garden of Gethsemane for He knew that God was and is in control. He was patient with His disciples who could not completely understand what His infinite wisdom was trying to show them. He was kind and good to the unfortunate because He knew that the physically and spiritually sick people around Him needed a Savior. He was faithful to the task that His Father sent Him down here to finish because He did not want to see us have to suffer an eternal damnation. He spoke with gentleness to those who hated Him because He understood that a man who is slow to anger calms dispute. And even though He had the power to call down the angels and remove Himself from that cross and free Himself from the immense pain that He was experiencing, He kept control over His own actions so that the will of His Father could be carried out.

            Being inherently sinful, of course we will never be able to live a life that perfectly reflects the sinless life Christ lived. However, this does not mean that we cannot learn to adopt these traits. When we choose to follow Christ’s example and live a life focused on mirroring his character, we gain a divine guidance from Christ, via the Holy Spirit, who empowers us as believers to do what we now know is right and avoid the sinful temptations of the flesh. Once we turn from living for the pleasures of sin and the world, we cannot just stop there. As good fruit grows under proper care, so must the fruits of the spirit grow in our own spirits by continually seeking to be like Christ in how we think, and in how we act—for James 2:26 reminds us that “As the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without deeds is dead”. By aiming to become more like Christ, not only does our character grow and produce good fruit, but our relationship with Christ our Savior grows as well.

           Character is the springboard from which all we do and say in life comes. Developing Biblical character in the face of our daily life and even in adversity is proof that we have a growing relationship with Christ. Character is not just having integrity or honesty or doing the right thing. It is a living, growing relationship in Christ that helps us turn away from our inherent sinful desires. As Romans 12:2 says, “Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—His good, pleasing and perfect will.”

Naked Juice: Now exposed to American Markets

            From being sold exclusively on Californian beaches to being produced worldwide, Naked Fruit Juice has come a long way from its humble beginnings in 1983. Following a 2006 change in ownership from the prior owners to the multinational food and beverage corporation PepsiCo, Naked Juice is now distributed nationwide throughout the United States as well as in Canada and the United Kingdom. Despite its expensive pricing, with the cost of a fifteen-ounce bottle ranging between three and four dollars, Naked remains extremely popular with the consumer public. That leaves one question remaining: “Why?”

credit: nakedjuice

            According to most Naked Juice purchasers, the beverage has become such a popular drink due to its ingredients. The name “Naked” is inspired by the product’s composition—namely the absence of artificial flavors, added sugar and preservatives. To complement its natural ingredients, PepsiCo has created different flavors in order to offer its consumers various drinks that focus on specific health aspects such as digestion, protein and reduced-caloric content. The vast amounts of health benefits that Naked Juice yields is but one of the reasons why the beverage flies off the shelves every month.

            Naked supports a wide array of flavors from which to choose, all of which are made by mixing fruits and sometimes vegetables together. For example, the flavor “Green Machine” is a composition of apples, bananas, kiwi, pineapple, and mangos. Naked’s great-tasting flavors and health benefits have been huge selling points for the beverage in American markets and have led to its massive surge in sales over the past few years. However, the great rise in popularity has also led many websites and other food critics to question whether Naked is really as healthy as it claims to be.

            To this end, the writers of thehealthyapron.com conducted their own review of Naked and came to the conclusion that, despite having no major health deterrents, the caloric and sugar content of Naked was considerably high. “Aside from calories, this little beverage offers almost no nutritional value either. That may seem odd for one-hundred percent juice, but look at the vitamins and minerals on the nutrition facts—not much to contribute.”

            While the actual health benefits of its contents may be called into question, Naked customers will continue to buy and consume it. It’s the popular drink in America today, and people will buy it because it’s American to drink Naked!...juice

Austin Fischer: BAL Constitution Division Player of the Year

                The Delco varsity basketball team’s power forward and senior captain Austin Fischer will top off his high school career with one of the most prestigious honors that the Bicentennial League can offer: The BAL Constitution Division’s player of the year award. Recognized for his tremendous talent and leadership on the court, Austin’s rigorous work ethic and sheer determination to conquer physical injuries and excel at his craft have propelled him to accolades that even he was surprised to achieve.

Austin hooking in a lay-up in a PIAA
State tournament game against District 12
champion Vaux. Delco took the loss 63-42
credit: Delcotimes

            “I first learned that I had been named BAL Constitution Division Player of the Year when Coach Davis called me up after he got back from [a coaches’] meeting.I was really caught off guard by the news,” recalls Austin on the night he won his award. “It is easily one of the greatest recognitions that I have ever received. However, the team is most important to me, and I definitely place our successes as a group over my successes as an individual. I am so thankful to God and my coaches, teammates, friends and family for putting me in a position to receive this.”

            “Fisch N’Chips”—a now popular nickname among the Delco community, given to Austin by fellow senior Zach Thebner—has played Delco basketball every year since he first came to Pennsylvania in the third grade. During his freshman year of high school he started junior varsity, and from his sophomore year on he has been the starting center for the boys varsity basketball team.

            Austin cites his father, many high school coaches, and Delco as invaluable influences that have contributed to his development into the basketball player that he is today. Austin describes his time at Delco as “some of the most memorable, whether it was the fun atmosphere of a summer tournament or the misery of an hour workout with Coach Woods. “I am really glad that I spent my career at DC because I have been able to learn about God as I have played my favorite sport.”

            Throughout this years as a starting varsity center, Austin has also been faced with many trials involving physical injuries. “I missed the 7th grade season with Osgood Schlatters disease in my knees. My sophomore year, right before playoffs, I dislocated my shoulder and tore my labrum, and I played my entire junior year with a high ankle sprain and patella tendinitis,”explained Austin. While each affliction was painful and aggravating, Austin also refers to these physical detriments as essential to teaching him the value of hard work and patience.

            Indeed, his patience and hard work would pay off in his senior year. Austin averaged 1.3 blocks, 6.5 rebounds, and 10.9 points per game across 28 games. He finished his senior season with 304 points, giving him 500+ career points over 3 varsity seasons. In addition, his leadership and skill proved to be huge contributions to the team’s overall success as the boys varsity basketball team ended their season first in the Constitution Division as well as third in the District 1 basketball tournament. The latter accomplishment allowed the team to qualify for the PIAA State Basketball Tournament, the first Delco boy’s basketball team to do so since 2006.

            As Austin prepares to depart for college next year, he leaves behind some fond memories from his last season as a Knight. “I've had a great senior year and have been encouraged to try and pursue my basketball career on the next level,” states Austin, who is planning to play basketball at the collegiate level. “Wherever I end up, I know I'll still be playing basketball for fun for a long time.”

            When he does leave as a part of the class of 2013, Austin says that he will greatly miss the overall skilled and selfless basketball teammates and coaches who will remain behind, as well as all the fans who “pack the castle” at every game.

            Certainly Austin’s teammates will greatly miss him in return. As Delco's forward Ron Burrell explains, “His ability to make moves and shots in the post one possession and then knock down a 15-footer the next [are big parts of our success].  We'll need someone willing to take instruction and put it into practice immediately like he can.”

List of Austin's senior year achievements:
-1st Team All-BAL
-1st Team Academic All-BAL
-Honorable Mention All-Delco
-BAL Constitution Division Player of the year
-BAL Constitution Division Champion
-DC's Varsity Coaches' Award
-Induction into the PA Sports Hall of Fame Delaware Chapter (Basketball)
-Selected to play in the PA Hoops All-Star game

Steam: The next step in gaming's evolution

credit: velocity gamer

In 2002, Harvard dropout Gabe Newell decided to become an angel of the Lord. He, along with Valve Corporation, breathed life into their computers, and Steam was born. This tale tells the origin of one of the world’s largest digital distribution, digital rights management, multiplayer, and communications platforms today: the gaming software known as Steam. Since its beginning in 2002, Steam has developed from being exclusively a distribution network to the most popular and affordable gaming distribution/social network in the world.
For those who are unfamiliar with the gaming universe, Steam is a free-to-download online software. As such, it acts as a virtual shop for gamers to purchase from over fifteen-hundred different video games for computer platforms such as Microsoft Windows, OS X, Linux (beta), iOS, Android, and partially for the Play Station 3.
Games can be ordered and downloaded via credit or debit card, as well as by purchasing “steam cards” at local software retailers like GameStop, Target, and EB Games. Similar to an iTunes gift card, a steam card (usually in the form of a receipt) displays a “steam wallet code” that purchasers can renew on their steam account. Once the code is punched in and renewed, the money that was used to pay for the card is registered in the digital storefront, allowing the users to purchase whatever video game product that they can afford.
Most games on Steam are generally cheaper than the average retail price, and weekly “weekend deals” slash the price of selected games anywhere from 25 percent to 75 percent. Many games on Steam, however, are free, meaning that beginners can get started playing games like Team Fortress 2, Lord of the Rings Online, and Sam & Max episode 104: Abe Lincoln Must Die immediately free of charge.
Along with providing easy-access games at affordable prices, Steam also incorporates a “Steam Community,” which can be described as a game-central social network. The Steam client, which is the name of Steam’s social network service, allows anyone with a steam account to invite friends to be added to their profile, allowing them to play online multiplayer games whenever they are online. In addition, the Steam client posts updates on its user’s computer, telling them when a friend is online playing a game, as well as identifying what game that friend is playing.
To say that Steam is popular with the rapidly increasing gamer population would be an understatement. As of December 2012, there are over fifty-four million active Steam user accounts and roughly six million concurrent players. Local Steam enthusiast claim that Steam is, “the perfect resource" for people who want to become gamers, and that it is better than other online multiplayer platforms like, Xbox live, by a "million miles.”
Its affordability and accessibility have made Steam a perfect example of how the video game industry is evolving in the consumer world. By receiving an estimated 50 percent to 70 percent share of the digital distribution of their marketed games, Steam’s economy has grown to the size of a small country.
So for those out there who are looking for high quality games at the lowest possible price they can find, Steam is literally a click away. To become a part of the largest and most popular gaming community in the world today, all one really has to do is go to Google, type in “steam”, click on the link to steampowered.com, download and enjoy.

Get off Sparknotes! Do your summer reading!

Dante Alighieri's Divine Comedy: this
epic poem, written in the 1300's, is a culmination
of the medieval world-view that developed in the
Western Church during the 12th century. It is said
to be the greatest work of Italian Literature, and
one of the greatest works ever written.
credit: google.com

When most high school students pick up a copy of a book like Fyodor Dostoevsky’s Crime and Punishment or William Golding’s Lord of the Flies, some may immediately recall the countless hours spent reading a novel that they were forced to read during their summer vacation. Others, on the other hand, may remember being handed one of these books to read over the summer but slothfully choosing to check out Sparknotes for all the information instead of actually diving into a fine piece of literature. (And don’t tell me that you didn’t have time to read them; three months is plenty of time!) 
Sure, having to read four-hundred page novels was never my favorite way to spend the months of June, July, and August (well, mostly August since I put my reading off to the last second…). However, looking back at everything that I have learned from my English classes in high school, such as critical thinking, syntax, philosophy and more, I now realize the importance that these stories played in the development of my own ability to comprehend more complex thinking and written works.
The Lord of the Flies, a book that I was assigned to finish the summer before my freshman year of high school, was one of the very first books that I actually enjoyed reading. The novel’s themes of the darker side of human nature and the effects it has on society made it a story that I refused to put down. Although I loved the book, I was not very good at recognizing symbolism, themes, or connections to other literary works at the time. So when the time came to discuss the novel in my 9th grade honors English class, it blew my mind when I discovered the genius behind William Golding’s characters, setting,  and his use of syntax (a better word for “word-choice”) to foreshadow upcoming events and show the darkness of human nature through the boys in the story.
After The Lord of the Flies, I wanted to find more well-written books that were more than just a story but, instead, a work with thought-provoking ideas. Fortunately for me, I did not have to wait long since my school provided me with many pieces of fine literature for my summer reading and English classes. Some of my favorite reads included All Quiet on the Western Front, Brave New World, The Man Who was Thursday, The Old Man and the Sea, Crime and Punishment, and The Acts of King Arthur and His Noble Knights.
Don’t get me wrong! I’m still glad that I don’t have to do required summer reading anymore, but by having to read these great works of literature, I have discovered my love for a higher standard of writing. This, in turn, has led me to learn how to write more effectively in all fields of writing; short fiction, journalism, essays, you name it. 
Even if you don’t like to read, or maybe reading isn’t one of your skills, don’t dismiss the books that you're given for just another homework assignment. The authors of these stories have written some of the finest pieces of literature in the history of the world, and learning how to analyze and understand their works provides a giant step in learning how to be a better writer and, more importantly, a better thinker. So get off Sparknotes, stop being lazy and dive into your summer reading!

credit: memegenerator.net

Entomological Invasion

A wheel bug striking a menacing pose-whatsthatbug.com

A western conifer seed bug spotted in Maine-wikipedia.org

They come from as far as the ends of the Pacific Coast to the lowest tips of the Florida peninsula. 
Though they are easily mistaken for other more common insect species and tricky to spot in the 
wild, do not be fooled—these bugs are at large and growing faster every day. The docile western 
conifer seed bug and the ravenous wheel bug are abundant throughout southeastern Pennsylvania, despite residents being largely unaware of their presence.            

Even our astute DC students had trouble identifying these fascinating creatures; in a recent survey, only four out of ten students claimed to have seen a western conifer seed bug, though none knew what it was. When asked about wheel bugs, all the students responded with a blank stare or a confused look. So what exactly are these engrossing arthropods and how can their sudden population boom be explained? Enter local biologist and former DC teacher Mr. Dan Correia.            

According to Correia, the western conifer seed bug is often mistaken for your everyday brown marmorated stink bug due to the former's brown exterior and the awful stench that it emits when threatened. This invader arrived in Pennsylvania in 1992, most likely due to western shipping to the eastern states, and has continued to spread all over the world. 

While seed bugs are slightly larger than stink bugs and harmless to humans, they are harmful to the environment. As Correia explained, “They are nothing more than [a pest] to people, but [they] can do great damage to Douglas fir trees and other pines by destroying the cones. Some of these soft wood trees are very important to the construction industry and other manufacturing markets.”            

Unlike the seed bug, the wheel bug is a common species native to the eastern United States; however, its camouflaged exterior and shy nature makes it tricky to spot in the wild. The wheel bug—named after the wheel-shaped structure on its backs—is a species of “assassin bug” that preys on pest insects such as honey bees, caterpillars, and aphids. 

“The wheel bug is one of the largest species in the Hemiptera order that contains assassin bugs,” commented Correia, who had recently captured and studied a wheel bug near his home. “It is predacious and is one of the angriest bugs within the insect realm. It can inflict a nasty bite, using its harpoon-like proboscis to shank its victims and then suck out their innards, which is pretty awesome.” 

Though wheel bugs are beneficial to humans in that they eliminate pests, one must take caution  in the presence of this aggressive species. They will bite if provoked, which can cause tissue necrosis or even heart failure. Moreover, the wheel bug's bite is far more painful than a bee sting.             

So, the question looms: will the seed bug, wheel bug, or both become as numerous as the stink bugs of 2010? Correia believes that while it is possible for both to rise to colossal numbers, such  proliferation would ultimately depend upon how much sustenance each species obtains in our area. “Well, I think it is completely possible for either species to become as prolific as the dreaded stink bug. In the case of the seed bug, its survival would really depend on there being enough conifer trees to support an ever-growing population.”

Correia added, “Due to their ability to destroy seed outputs of trees, I suppose it would be quite possible for [seed bugs] to ‘kill off’ their food supply. Wheel bugs, however, depend more on [the amount of] ample prey. I believe that as long as they have enough food and more and more can survive the climate further north, they should be good to go.” 

All that said, eastern Pennsylvania residents may have to learn to endure a new pair of entomological interlopers in their midst.

Eternity in the Cubicle

A short story by: Brad Warmhold

            Some men aspire to accomplish great things during their lives. To these men, putting time and effort into the betterment of society is something worth living for. Lars Alighieri was not one of those men. In fact, Lars probably lived the most boring and non-impactful life of any man that had ever walked the earth. Lars was an unimpressive man of ordinary stature, spoke in monotone, and had no redeeming qualities about him. He played no sports, he never once did anything charitable, and being an atheist, nothing about spirituality or salvation ever interested him. After graduating from Community College, Lars became a Systems Analyst for a small banking software company, where he worked for 9 years. Ironically, Lars’ mundane life ended in a most dramatic fashion. One evening after work, a few of Lars’ co-workers asked if he wanted to join them down at the local bar. Lars nonchalantly accepted the offer. After drinking the night away, Lars, heavily intoxicated, attempted to drive home-a choice that concluded in a massive car accident. Lars did not survive. As Lars’ spirit leaves this world and goes on to the next, it is here where our story begins.

            “Hey…hey…time to get moving……WAKE UP!” After being smacked across the face with extreme force, Lars’ spirit awoke. His head was throbbing and in great pain; this was without a doubt the worst hangover he had ever had the displeasure of experiencing. He slowly began to come to his senses, and when he was finally able to make out his surroundings, he found himself in a small square room with crimson walls and a receptionist desk on the opposite side of the room. He discovered that he was sitting in a small, and quite uncomfortable, chair, and on the wall behind him, above where he was sitting, hung a sign that said “Waiting Area”. A tall, pale woman with long jet-black hair stood over him menacingly. Looking up into her eyes, he was horrified to notice that they were completely black.

            “Well it’s about time. His Wickedness is growing irritable; you better not keep him waiting any longer.” Her voice, deep and chilling, left him paralyzed with fear. “His office is behind the door on the right. Get moving.” Lars, dazed and confused, finally plucked up the nerve to say something.

            “Wait…ugh…Where am I….What am I doing here?”

            “His Wickedness will tell you as soon as you get in his office!” Her answer was harsh and stern. Lars didn’t want to try her patience any longer, so he clumsily rose from his seat. Standing upright, he noticed that his clothes were torn, and that he was covered in gashes that stung whenever he moved. Confusion permeated his thoughts. He could not remember where or how he attained such painful wounds; quite frankly, he couldn’t remember anything that occurred the night before. Fighting off the pain, Lars trudged towards the door and entered into another small, square room. Unlike the previous room, this one had an elevator on the wall to the right of the entryway, and in the center there was a huge ebony desk, sitting upon a round floor mat with fiery designs. At the desk sat a large, devilishly handsome man in a tuxedo. The man was reading the obituary section of a newspaper until he noticed Lars come in.

            “Finally, you’re here! You’ve kept me waiting for quite some time. I’m a very busy individual, and I don’t have time for unfortunate souls like you to lag around. Let’s get down to business.” The man set aside the newspaper on his desk and pulled out a sheet of paper from a desk cabinet. “Let’s take a look at your resume quickly…” The man began to swiftly scan the paper. “Lars Lazarus Alighieri…aged 32 years………huh, it says here you died in a drunk driving accident.”

            “Died!?”Lars, shocked and alarmed, finally asked the question that he had been dreading to ask since he woke up, “Where…am I?”

            A grin shone across the man’s face, and then in a sadistically happy tone the man said, “Lars, welcome to Hell!”

            Complete hysteria overcame Lars. He stood frozen with fear and disbelief. How did he end up in Hell? The man continued to speak, “I hope you’ve guessed my name.”

            “You’re the …devil?”

            “You bet.”

            “Oh….You look a lot different than what I thought the devil was supposed to look like.”

            “Yeah, I know, everyone says that.”

            “But what am I, ugh…” A sudden surge of pain reverberated in Lars’ head; the hangover was intensifying. Satan chuckled.

            “How’s that hangover doing? I’ve got some news for you squirt, that hangover, along with those gashes, won’t go away in Hell.” Satan was getting a kick out of seeing Lars in pain, and he was getting even more pleasure out of exacerbating his misery. “Anyway, before we go off on any more tangents, let me finish reading your resume so I can determine where you’ll go…” Satan started to swiftly read Lars’ resume again, and when he finished, a look of disappointment appeared on his face. “Well…Lars, I’m going to be completely honest with you, and being the Father of Lies, this is tough for me. This is, without a doubt, the most unimpressive resume I’ve ever received. No instances of grisly mass murder or juicy political scandal; you only committed all the boring sins in life that everyone else does. Fortunately for you, however, Hell is the only place that doesn’t say “no” to newcomers, so…I think the best place for you will be… the second circle.”

            Just as Satan finished his sentence, the door to the elevator slid open, and Satan proceeded to forcibly take Lars by the arm and fling him into the elevator, laughing ruthlessly while doing so. After Lars slammed against the back of the elevator wall, Satan made his way into the elevator. A panel of 10 buttons labeled 0-9 was attached on the inside, and as soon as Satan pressed the 2 button, the door slid shut and the elevator began to descend at a supersonic rate.

            “Now, before we get to the second circle, I want to dismiss a popular misconception. All those stories that you may have heard about Limbo, the circles being based off a specific sin, or basically anything you may have read about in Dante’s Inferno, are all lies. Have you ever read Dante’s Inferno?”

            “Once for 10^th Grade English class I had to. I don’t concern myself with supernatural subjects…”

             “That’s right I forgot; you’re an atheist. Look pal, I like your style of thinking, but even I know there’s a God out there.” Satan’s obscenely happy manner suddenly subsided, “…Even I do…and how I abhor the very thought of it” Satan whispered to himself.

            “Wait, then how do the circles work?”

            Relieved by the change of subject, Satan’s disgusting smirk returned, “Oh you’ll find out soon enough.” The elevator suddenly stopped, and the door slid open again. As soon as Lars caught a glimpse of the second circle, he couldn’t believe what he saw. Everywhere he looked, there were cubicles-an infinite amount of cubicles as far as the eye could see.

            “CUBICLES!?” Lars could not comprehend his own disbelief. Wasn’t Hell supposed to be a place of fire and brimstone, or so he was told?

            “Yes Lars, cubicles. You see, Hell is like a giant company hell-bent on the condemnation of heathens. In fact, Hell is an acronym for House of Eternal Lamenting Lives. Each circle functions as a different type of business sector that helps Hell continue to thrive as a booming industry. This sector, the second circle, is my Human Resource Management sector.”

            “Human Resources? Why in blazes would Hell need Human Resources?”

            “It’s kind of a cruel ironic joke actually. Your responsibility will be to assist me in placing condemned souls in their appropriate circles and to provide their “benefits”. “Benefits” meaning what types of torture they’ll receive and at which appointed time. It’s really just a benefit for me since it helps me keep track of who I need to agonize and when.” Satan chuckled at his own callous witticism. Lars didn’t think it funny, but he got the irony of the joke. Although the idea of working in a cubicle for eternity (and for Human Resources no less) still sounded terrible, Lars figured that it couldn’t possibly be worse than burning alive forever. The moment that he took his first step out of the elevator, that idea went right out the window. The floors were paved with burning hot brimstone, causing the entire place to reek with the horrid smell. Even worse, Lars discovered that his shoes had gone missing, forcing him to walk across the burning floors with his bare feet. The receptionist had disposed of his shoes before he regained consciousness; Satan sees shoes as a luxury and of course there are no luxuries in Hell. The walls seemed to go on forever, and not one window was to be seen on them. There was however, one door close to the elevator that was labeled “Conflagration Room”. Satan crossed over towards the door.

            “This room leads to an endless sea of flames. I use it whenever I need to punish workers who are not cooperating, aren’t doing a sufficient job, or if I ever just feel like watching someone burn.”

            This place is getting worse and worse, Lars thought to himself. His spirit began to overflow with despair, to the point where Lars uttered something he had never said before, “God help me…”

            Satan slapped Lars across the back of his head with super-human force. His eyes were glowing with a fiery incandescence, and flames spurted forth from his mouth. “SUCH LANGUAGE IS NOT TOLLERATED HERE! THAT CHOICE OF WORDS WILL GET YOU THROWN IN THE CONFLAGRATION ROOM!!” Lars was stricken with an intense fear that he had never felt before. He didn’t speak another word until Satan brought him to his own cubicle.

            “Here’s where you’ll work for the rest of your condemnation.”

            The cubicle looked exactly like the cubicle that he worked in during his time as a Systems Analyst, except for an old, outdated, and perpetually slow computer, and a calendar that hung on the right side of the cubicle that had every day of the week labeled Monday, because in Hell every day is a Monday. Once Lars sat down in his chair, he felt a stream of electricity shoot through his entire body! Of course, it was an electric chair disguised as a normal office chair (Satan is sneaky like that). Seeing Lars’ pain and disheartenment put a smile back on Satan’s face, and then he proceeded to extend to Lars…a present?

            “What the heck is this?” Lars asked in a very discombobulated manner.

            “Think of it as your “welcoming present”, from me, your new boss, to you.” Satan flashed a deceiving smile. Lars knew something was up.

            “I don’t trust you.”

            “Well then I’ll open it for you!!”

            Once Satan opened the box, Lars began to cough violently, and then he noticed there was nothing in it!

            “WHAT WAS *COUGH* IN THAT? *COUGH COUGH*”

            “Tuberculosis!” Satan was having a field day with his new employee. “Well Lars, as much as I love tormenting your poor soul unmercifully, I must go. I’ve got people to lead astray and many other lives to ruin. If you have any questions about your job, just press the personal demon button on the left side of your keyboard. Although I must warn you, my henchmen enjoy haphazard affliction as much as I do, and they will probably drop in sporadically just to do so. Have a great damnation!” After the burlesque goodbye, Satan vanished in a puff of highly noxious smoke.

            Now alone, helpless, and hopeless, Lars couldn’t help but cry. He wasn’t a bad person; he never committed any crimes; why Hell? Lars continued to mourn for a little while longer. It was at the point when he felt that there was no hope left for him, that a strange message suddenly appeared on his computer. The message read, Alright, I’m here. Lars figured that it was another one of Satan’s pranks, but since he didn’t want to do work anyway, he decided to respond.

            Who is this?

            God. You asked for my help earlier, remember? Lars was skeptical.

            Yeah, sure you are. If you’re really God, why don’t you get me out of this infernal pit?

            You brought this upon yourself by choosing to ignore me your entire life. You might not have killed a man or robbed a bank in your lifetime, but you lived a lifestyle that focused on nobody except yourself! Very truly I tell you, everyone who sins is a slave to sin. Also, you refused the grace and love that I wanted to give you. Though it pains me to say this, this is where you must go. Unless…. Lars’ eyes opened wide! What did this guy, God, mean “unless”?

            What do you mean unless!? Can you really get me out of here!?

            Will you deny yourself, take up your cross, and follow me? Lars couldn’t believe this! Could this guy actually free him from an eternity of Human Resource Management!? At this point, Lars was willing to say yes to anything.

            PLEASE!! I’LL DO ANYTHING JUST GET ME OUT OF HERE!!

            Then press the Escape key on your keyboard. Lars did just as he was told, and a great blinding flash engulfed the room…

            Lars awoke in a cold sweat. He found himself sitting at his own dull cubicle at his old boring job.

            “It was only a dream…thank you Lord.”

            You’re welcome! Lars leaped out of his office chair in surprise. If it really was a dream, then how was this God fellow still sending him messages? After calming himself down he responded.

            Wait, if that was a dream then how are you still able to communicate with me?

            That’s because I am no dream. I simply used your dreams as a way of showing you what’s waiting for you at eternity’s end.

            Lars was dumbfounded, awestruck, and his mind was blown. Nothing this amazing had ever happened to him (but in retrospect that’s not saying much). His old desires of avoiding anything that had to do with God left him. A sense of thankfulness overcame him, but there was still one more thing he wanted to know.

            Well, thanks for showing me that dream then. I’m sorry that I have ignored you all my life, but you didn’t have to show me that dream. I never did anything for you or for anyone my entire life. Why did you save me?

            After sending the message, a Bible appeared on Lars’ desk.  He opened the Bible, and on the back of the front cover, a note read, because I love you Lars.